Kids are a clean slate. When baby #2 is born, s/he is pure. Sure the child will have his or her own unique personality, but for the most part we, as their parents shape who they become. Even more so, since I am mom and will spend the majority of my time with this little one - I have a huge role in the person they will become. There will be circumstances that I can't control and there will be plenty of life experiences that will shape who they are that don't involve me, but in those early years I play the primary role in their life.
Malachi did not enter my arms a clean slate. At just 3 months old he had a heartbreaking past, that in some respect will shape who he is. There are still little glimpses of the insecurity he carries around with him because of his past. For the most part, he behaves like a normal 7 month old, but there is still something there at times that remind me that he still needs reassurance from us that we are not leaving and we will meet all of his needs.
So as a mother, to reassure Malachi that he is mine and I will not leave him, and to start with a clean slate with our newborn baby on the way, it sometimes feels like an overwhelming responsibility. I will never be carefree again. I am sure I will worry about my babies until the day I die. I will always second guess and wonder if I could have done better. But I will also try my hardest.
There are also so many places that still need my attention outside my home. I have friendships to maintain. I have always served in some way at church, and now just making it to church on Sunday morning is a hassle. The burden's of this world are still heavy on my heart. I want to find ways to serve the orphans in this world. I want to adopt again. There is just so much that I can't do right now and day to day taking care of my son sure doesn't feel like much of a contribution. I read a great blog article a couple days ago that reminded me that at this point in time, my mission field is to the little one's (and the husband) in my home.
The article can be found here: http://theresurgence.com/2010/10/22/missional-mothering
It was a great reminder of just how critical the role I am playing is right now. I am Malachi's world! We have a video monitor and when I see Malachi wake up in the morning, he lays there talking to himself and he is constantly peeking over his bumper to see the door and see if I am coming yet. He relies and knows that eventually I (or daddy on the weekends) will be there for him. Instilling that into him is so important right now and we are re-shaping his mind and letting him know that throughout his life he can count on people. These simple little things I am doing with him on a daily basis (feeding him, changing his diaper, comforting him when he hurts himself) will alter the life of a little boy who lost all trust in the world at just 4 days old.
So while I may not be saving the world on a daily basis. I am making a difference. Even though someday's my highest accomplishment is getting a shower, and I am pretty sure a daily shower may become non-existent in 3 months - it is okay because I am serving two little kiddo's who need me to play such a critical role in their lives in those first few years!
1 comments:
I think "FAIL" is a bit of a heavy word Amy. Yes, there are things every day that I think every mom feels she could have handled better or done more...but at the end of the day, my husband reminds me that if we are both fed and alive, I've done my job ;) And ALSO keep in mind that we are just human. Where WE fail, HE steps in. We are to do the BEST job that we CAN as mothers to raise our children to honor HIM. Hugs to you...I can only imagine the anticipation of the responsibility that is to come with two little ones at home. But if anyone can do it, you can! Because God Himself planned this for YOUR life! And anything is possible with him!
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