Thursday, June 16, 2011


Last night Malachi needed a little extra TLC. This is something that is very rare for him. Usually the boy doesn't stop or slow down for more than a couple minutes during the day for some loving. Last night he was in a bit of a mood and we were definitely ready for baby bedtime at 8:00 sharp! We did his typical routine and Peter read him his stories and then we were hopeful that we would get a little time to ourselves before passing out from exhaustion ourselves.

Malachi had other plans. He was crying out, which he does sometimes before falling asleep but just for a minute or two. Well, the crying didn't stop and after 15 minutes or so, he was completely inconsolable and sounded terrified. This was NOT normal. I couldn't take it any longer and my momma heart strings just knew he needed me. So off to his room I went.

I scooped him up and took him in to Eli's room where the rocking chair is and that is where we spent the next 20-30 minutes. I sang to him and rubbed his back as he rested his head on my chest (he didn't move at all the whole time!) The tears quickly stopped and then came the weird huffy breathes before his breathing became normal again and his body calmed down. I am not sure what got in to him or why he needed extra reassurance last night but it was a good time for me as it is not often that he will relax and just snuggle.

When he allows me to cuddle up with him, my mind often drifts to his first mother. In my heart of hearts I know she loves him and longs for him. It is hard not to become emotional when I really sit and think about his first mother and imagine what circumstances could bring a mother to make this most difficult decision. She has given us the most precious gift, but it came at a huge price for her. Never again will she see her precious tiny 4 day old baby and that hurts me very deeply. I do share my heart with this woman and not a day goes by that I don't think about her and wonder about her in some capacity.

I carry this feeling of allegiance to her. I almost feel indebted to this woman. If I think about her and what she is missing and how maybe she wishes she could be with her son, it makes me want to hug him tighter and hold him a few extra seconds for her. To smother him with a few extra kisses everyday just for her and maybe be a little more patient with him throughout my day. When I think of her, it makes me want to stop and get him to smile one more time or look into his gorgeous deep brown eyes or tickle his chunky little thighs to get an extra belly laugh!

So as I rocked him last night and he rested on my chest, I closed my eyes and imagined a mother half a world away wishing that she was rocking her little boy. I imagined her wishing she could be the one kiss his forehead and sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star one more time or rub his back. Last night I loved Malachi the very best I could, not for me or him like I do most of the time - but this one was for her. And I prayed for her. I prayed that somehow in her heart of hearts she would know he was loved deeply and adored! In a country of 5 million orphans, she has no idea where he is right now. He could still be shuffling through the system, or worse. She has no idea what happened to her sweet 4 day old baby boy (and I hate that everyday!) I prayed that somehow, in that very moment she would know he was being loved and rocked and snuggled.


David and Larisa said...

Oh Amy, I SO relate to your feelings here. I think about Y's birthmom EVERY SINGLE DAY, and wonder how she's doing, how often she thinks about him, etc. It is a strangely powerful connection for me - my love for this woman that I've never met who lives half-way around the world.

Thanks for sharing.