Tuesday, April 26, 2011


I can't help but constantly Thank God for the gift of these children he has given to me! For the first time in my life, my life is exactly where I want it to be and I finally feel like I am doing what I was meant to do! I know some people may find that concept silly, but I know that being a mom is what I was supposed to do with my life - I have always known that!

It has been so hard for me to be patient for this phase of my life, but the time has finally come for me to raise my babies and I am thrilled! You see, when Peter and I got married we had a plan and had decided when we would have kids many years down the line. Something I did not expect, was that immediately upon marrying and joining our lives together I began to intensely LONG to have a family. There were many tears in my early days of marriage out of frustration that it was just not the right timing to have a baby. Peter still had two years of college and we were no where near the place we needed to be financially in order for me to be able to stay home with my children.

So I had to wait. It was very difficult and I regret how miserable I probably made my poor husband by constantly trying to negotiate or convince him that we could make it work (when I knew we couldn't). I still distinctly remember a conversation we had while sitting on the beach on our first anniversary about having kids. We really worked through some things and came up with a new, revised family plan that actually felt doable for me!

So the time finally came for us to start our family. I was thrilled and so excited and just KNEW I would have a baby in 9 months. I was truly shocked when we didn't conceive that first month and as the months passed with no baby it was almost unbelievable to me. This was certainly not what I had planned! It was a dark time and I regret letting it get to that place instead of trusting God's ultimate plan for our family. There were other circumstances and things happening in our lives during this season that just added to our struggles. I harbored some real anger towards God for not granting my deepest desire.

And finally we arrived at a crossroads. We could keep trying with the help of fertility treatments OR we could adopt. And in an instant God made it clear to us that the time was now to adopt. Adopting was always on our list of things to do someday and our someday came a little sooner than we expected! The desire God laid on my heart to adopt when I was 14, was about to come true. As we began the process to adopt, at that very same instance, half a world away our son was coming into existence - amazing!

For me, I never felt like I needed a biological child (nor did Peter). For me though, it had everything to do with my fascination with pregnancy and birth. That whole process is so incredible to me and I really wanted to experience that for myself. But as soon as God laid adoption on our hearts, I was okay with letting go of that part of the equation. After all, what I truly wanted was children!

And finally after a year of waiting, I got to hold my son for the very first time! By this time, we were also very aware that God was going to bless us with another little one and all of a sudden things felt a little overwhelming and scary, but still very joyful!

My dreams had finally come true! I had my baby! But I will admit that things were hard in the beginning. Here I was trying to bond with my new 4 month old son that I knew nothing about all while trying to bond with the child inside of me too and it all felt overwhelming! Bonding with the baby in my tummy felt natural and left me all around feeling guilty that it wasn't natural with Malachi. I was so tired and felt sick all the time which made it even more difficult.

Finally, slowly as the months carried on things got better. Don't get me wrong, I loved Malachi with all my heart from the very beginning, but feeling like he was "mine" took some time. I wasn't feeling like a mother in the way I thought I would. But, I was slowly getting there. It was hard as I realized that I was just getting the hang of my firstborn and here another one was coming very soon. It was rough and I was afraid of how things would be with the new baby. I had a huge fear that things would be so overwhelming and difficult that I would never be able to be the mother I wanted to be.

And then the day arrived. I was a mother for the second time in just under 6 months time! And I finally had the rush of maternal feelings! For some reason, having Elias helped me to become a better mother to Malachi. I know there is a rush of maternal stuff that comes over you when you physically give birth and I know not every woman needs to experience that in order to be an awesome mother, but for me I needed that! I can't really explain it, but I finally felt like a mother. Plus, this greater fear I had about what if I loved my biological child more than my adopted son was laid to rest. Eli was born and I loved him dearly, but it was NO DIFFERENT than how I felt about my Malachi!

And here we are today. I wondered how I would handle dealing with two babies. I get asked all the time about how it is going and people constantly are telling me I have my hands full. But all in all - life is AWESOME! Yes, I do get tired. Yes, I do get overwhelmed sometimes. Yes, I do get frustrated when I can't get everything done. But the great majority of the time, things are incredible! Life is what I always hoped it would be. I feel so fortunate to be the mother of these two fabulous boys!

I have always heard that the hardest year of marriage is the year you add a child. Well, I will admit that I was a little worried as we were adding TWO babies in that year, but things are going so good! Peter and I are more in love than ever!

We are blessed! I don't take my good fortune lightly! Looking back now, I just wish I would have been more patient to receive all the good things God had for my life! It is definitely a lesson learned.