Kids Change Everything

I continue to realize more and more just how much our lives are forever changed. It is all for the better, but never again will life be even remotely carefree.

We'll start with Malachi. Before I even knew who he was, I was worried about him. Once we reached the top 5 spots on the wait list I became insane. I knew that things would be happening in his life and that he would be going through pain and loss. I was worried about his health, and his emotional state. I wished that from the moment he left his birth mother's arms, he could be in mine. But that wasn't possible. I will never truly know just what Malachi went through in those first few weeks of life.

After we got our referral, things got really hard. I had a face and a name and I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to make sure he was thriving, and make sure that loving arms holding him. At the time, since I had not been to Hannah's Hope I had no idea just how great the care was there. All the pictures I had of him, he was laying in bouncy chairs and from my perception (at the time) he looked so alone. I wanted to make sure he was happy. He was a little guy, but I wanted so badly to see a smile cross his face so that I KNEW that he was happy. Finally after 3 months of waiting, I saw him in a special mother's arms and I also saw his smile and it made me so sooo happy!!!

I have gotten a little bit better over time with him. I still hold my breath every time he falls. I hate that he is sick right now and there is nothing I can do to make him feel better. One thing adoption forced me to do was to give up control. I think if I would have done the pregnancy thing first, I would have had a harder time remembering that first, these children are Gods.

I have also decided that there is no point you hit in pregnancy that you feel safe. Maybe some people can relax, but I still worry. The entire first trimester I was convinced that I would miscarry, but I decided that I would not let worry ruin it for me. I would enjoy every day I was given with this little one. Finally at 12 weeks when I heard the heartbeat, I was convinced that we would make it through the first trimester. I think most woman tend to relax during the second trimester, but I started worrying that I would go in to pre-term labor and we would lose the baby. Again, I knew there was nothing I could do about it, so I just decided to enjoy everyday. Finally we made it "viability" and entered the 3rd trimester. I figured we were safe from there. If the baby were born today, s/he would have over a 95% chance of survival. But then I read how gestational diabetes slightly increases the risk of stillbirth and I have decided that I will NEVER not worry again. Things could happen during labor and delivery. Then we have the risk of SID's - it will just never end.

Maybe I am insane. I know a lot of it stems from losing my brother when I was very little. My entire life, death has been a very real thing. I grew up always afraid that I would lose the people I was close to. Over the years I have let go of a lot of that fear, but it comes back now as I worry about Peter on his commute and I daily worry about my kids. I have to remember that I gave my children to God, as he is the one who gave them to me for however long he chooses and so I enjoy every moment I have with them. Every kick I get from this baby I am thankful for and every smile I get from Malachi I am thankful for!