I always wanted a big family. I was the kids who loved all the babies and helped out with babies anytime I could. I was the teenager with the full babysitting schedule. I LOVED watching my nieces every second I could or helping out with my cousins twins. I helped a lady with an at home daycare. I watched kids at church every week while the moms were in Bible study. I eventually babysat every morning for a family I adored! I loved kids and knew that I wanted a whole bunch of them!
We got married young and figured we were on about a 3-5 year plan before having kids. Peter still had 2 years of school and we knew I was going to stay at home after having them so we wanted to be as financially stable as we could. What I didn't account for is how soon after the wedding I wanted to be a mom. It instantly felt like the next natural step to me even though I knew we had to wait. I REALLY struggled during those years with having patience around kids. Now I look back and think how special those days were where it was just the two of us. If I knew then that we would have at least 30 years of children in the home to come, I probably would have appreciated that nice quiet, little home a bit more!
About the time Peter graduated from college (2 years of marriage) and started working, I think I wore him down with my impatience and we decided we could find a way to make having a baby work into the plans and budget. I was so excited to make my dream of being a mom come true! I will never forget how optimistic I was that it would happen right away and how shocked I was when it didn't. The thought never even crossed my mind that we would struggle to conceive. I just knew I was meant to be a mom, so it didn't make sense to me. A year later, still no baby. We were at a crossroads deciding between fertility medications or adoption. I just did not have peace about seeking fertility meds and since adoption was already part of our plan we jumped right into that process. A year later (4 years of marriage) we added Malachi to our family and 6 months later Eli! My dream had come true in a big way! I loved having these two little boys! I was so happy!
It wasn't long at all before I found out we would be adding Sabrina to the family. I cried, so taking care of the boys must have been a lot of work. I was so grateful but shocked! I remember taking the test, seeing it was positive, and then coming down and looking at 2 little boys in high chairs eating their breakfast and wondering how I was going to handle 3 so close together! Peter and I both do not have a lot of memories from when we had 3 little ones in the house. It truly was an exhausting blur. I had 2 toddlers who were sooooo busy and a tiny baby. I wish I could go back and spend more time with those 3 little ones, soaking it all in because it went so fast!
For whatever reason, about the time Sabrina was 18 months, we were really feeling like we should adopt again. I don't even know how we though we were ready back then but it just felt right, and it was. By the next summer we were going to meet our LB! What a whirlwind and for the first time I felt maxed out and like maybe 4 kids was enough. Peter was very adamant at this point that 4 kids was all we were going to have and I felt similar, but wasn't ready to shut the door. We agreed to not make a permanent decision either way until the other person felt the same way.
A couple more years passed and we were pretty content with 4 kids. At times it felt like the perfect number. But I still had this nagging feeling like someone was missing. Peter was aware of this, but I never pushed him to see things my way. We would talk about whether or not we would have more kids but it was never a pushy discussion and I was pretty confident I wasn't going to convince Peter to add anymore kids. I remember on my 30th birthday he told me that he was open to having one more baby! I was so excited! Neither one of us was ready to make the jump to 5 kids quite yet but my brain was swirling with plans. I don't remember the exact timelines but we had to wait through Zika risk after our 10th anniversary and then I was a match for bone marrow donation and had to see that process through which took us all the way to almost 2 more years of waiting. I once again, wrongfully assumed it wouldn't take very long at all to get pregnant after Eli and Sabrina being surprises. Again, totally shocked when it didn't happen right away. 15 months later and I gave up. I had started obsessing about this and felt like for my mental health I needed to just let it go and be content with the 4 kids God had blessed us with.
I honestly don't even know why God chose the moment I let the dream go to bless us with Ayla, but that is how it worked out. It had beenover 5 years since we had a baby in the house and the anticipation and the joy from the older kids throughout the whole pregnancy and having a baby was everything I could ever hope for. We were very convinced that this would be our last baby.... Until I was post partum. I remember one night in particular where I was rocking her in her bedroom and just crying because I had told Peter she was the last one but I had this nagging feeling that she needed a little sibling and wasn't the last one after all. There was a sizeable gap between her and LB and I felt like she needed a close buddy too. I was prepared for Peter to totally shut down the idea but apparently his heart has changed over the years too and he wasn't opposed to more kids. So we decided we would wait and see how we were feeling around the time Ayla was 2.
God had his own timeline again and Leeland joined us sooner than we were thinking but what I have learned through the timeline of having all of our babies - I wouldn't change a thing! I say all this because I want to make it clear that I know each of these babies is a huge blessing. They all have their own stories that led them to us and their own timelines for how that happened. My plan would have looked completely different but I'm glad it worked out the way it did. Full of trials, waiting, surprises, joy!
So how do I feel as a mom to 6? Honestly it is every bit as exhausting as you would think. Most days I feel completely wiped by the time I get to bed. There is rarely a break with 6 kids, especially with our decision to homeschool 4 of them. I forgot how hard it is to have a toddler and a baby at the same time because it has been 7 years since we had that combo. The sleepless nights that continue on and on require a lot of dedication to accomplish any tasks during the day and keep up on life. Then we have big kids who are constantly running to and from activities in between their school schedule. There are days that I want to burst into tears at how hard and exhausting this is. There are many days where I feel like the most blessed woman alive to be surrounded by all these little ones or guilty that I might be failing them. I don't feel like I can think a thought without a child approaching me needing my help with school, or a toddler asking for juice or a trip to the potty. Or a baby needing to be fed or waking up from a nap. Some days Peter and I are laughing at the chaos and joking about more kids. Other days we sit down in silence with nothing left in the tank, dreaming of the day we have more to give to each other. It's a balancing act for sure, and one that we have not perfected and probably never will!
The biggest thing for me is I just want to savor and enjoy the moments. I am learning just how much fun every age group is. I love seeing my big kids and their interests and all they enjoy going and doing. I love conversing with them and listening to what they share with me. I love our crazy, busy toddler and watch her explore and learn about the world and life. She's a sponge! She makes all of us laugh a hundred times a day! I love baby snuggles and kisses and watching Leeland start to learn new things. There are challenges, but there is so much good! Parenting feels all encompassing right now and as in everything, that is the season we are in right now and I can constantly feel it in my heart - I am going to miss this! As hard as it is, these days are so rich and everything I could have ever wanted. We have so many fun milestones coming in the years ahead. I know when I am an old woman surrounded by lots of grandkids and great grandkids that the momentary challenges we are facing right now will be so minor. We are building a legacy and I hope the kids will look back and not see our many imperfections but see that we loved them with all of our hearts and did everything we could to help them follow their dreams. 6 kids is a lot of kids, but boy what a blessing they are!
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